BY MEANINGSPHERE STAFF
There’s a story Priya Parker often shares about her grandfather’s funeral. Standing in the church where her grandfather had been a beloved elder, the minister spoke of his many virtues, concluding with this: In 50 years of marriage, he and his wife never fought. This observation, though intended as high praise, struck Parker as deeply worrying. Didn’t relationships need conflict in order to function? Without a fight, how many important things had gone unsaid?
Today, Parker is a renowned facilitator and an expert on conflict resolution and group dynamics. Her new book, The Art of Fighting: The Transformative Power of Conflict, upends the notion that fighting is a sign of moral failure. Instead, she reframes healthy conflict as something essential to the thriving of any group of people. Her insights will help groups of many different kinds, from book clubs to activist organizations. But if there’s one place we could all use her, it may be the workplace.
For this piece, we’ve mined this insightful book for lessons individuals can take into their working lives. But first, a little context.
Gathering, fighting, and human connection
Many readers will know Parker from her first book, The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. Released in 2018, The Art of Gathering is a guide to bringing people together meaningfully; whether planning a child’s birthday party or organizing a corporate retreat. Where many event planning books focus on logistics, aesthetics, and etiquette, Parker asks the reader to dig beneath these surface-level concerns and discover the unique, non-obvious, occasionally controversial “why” beneath each gathering. The acclaim was widespread: Seth Godin called it “a long overdue and urgent manifesto.” Daniel Pink described it as “one of the most transformative books I’ve read in years.”
Parker’s follow-up bears a far less cozy title, but its wisdom comes from the same place. The author’s multicultural background, training in conflict resolution, and work as a facilitator give her unique insight into the ways we humans misunderstand one another as well as the ways we find connection and belonging. In her view, conflict can be central to a group’s long-term cohesion. It’s how groups determine their shared values and re–affirm who they are. Fights can tear us apart, but they can also bond us.
The power of conflict at work
In interviews, Parker has made the compelling argument that the workplace is a site where we can see the dynamics of conflict especially clearly. That’s because our hierarchies, roles, responsibilities, and shared values are often formalized and defined there—not merely assumed, as they may be in a more social setting. At work, people from disparate backgrounds must come together and make important decisions, resulting in inevitable differences of opinion. At an individual level, these disputes can reveal a great deal about us personally: what we care about, where we’re willing to bend, and what we’re capable of when we’re pushed. On a group level, the way differences are resolved can reveal a great deal about an organization’s shared values. And a workplace where no one ever fights? That may not be such a positive thing.
On that note, here are five key insights from The Art of Fighting we’d like to see put to work.
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1. Don’t confuse an apparent lack of conflict with a healthy workplace
There’s a difference between healthy conflict and “unhealthy peace,” situations where people avoid saying what they really think because they want to preserve harmony.
At work, this can look like this:
- Everyone nods in the meeting, then complains afterward.
- People don’t challenge a leader’s idea.
- Feedback gets softened until it becomes meaningless.
- Teams keep working on a project they privately believe isn’t working.
Sound familiar? Leaders, of course, have a role to play in creating a safe place for healthy dissent, and ensuring that the power dynamics in a workplace don’t prevent people from expressing valid concerns. But if you’ve found yourself in a work culture where no one speaks up, it’s worth asking yourself why.
Try this: The next time you’re in this situation, ask yourself: what would be the risks of (respectfully) speaking my mind? How do they compare to the risks of not speaking my mind?
2. Conflict can be a form of caring
Sometimes meaningful work requires us to care enough to disagree. Conflict gives people an opportunity to negotiate what they value and how they want to be together. This is particularly relevant when people have different ideas about quality, priorities, customer needs, ethics, or the direction of a project.
Next time things get heated with a colleague, try this reframe: Instead of thinking, “We disagree because we don’t get along,” try something like, “We’re disagreeing because we both care about this work.”
3. Not every fight is worth having
One of the skills of an “artful fighter” is knowing when to engage—and when to let something go. Before you speak up, ask yourself:
- Does this matter enough to address?
- What am I hoping will be different afterward?
- Am I trying to improve the situation—or simply win?
- Will I regret not trying?
- What happens if I say nothing?
Some arguments are fundamental to a group’s identity and values. For example, “What community initiatives should our non-profit be prioritizing?” is likely to invite strong opinions about what the organization should do and be.
Other arguments aren’t actually that important. For instance, “Does pineapple belong on pizza?” may be a meaningful argument for the owners of an Italian restaurant, but it is a purely theoretical debate in the break room of an accounting firm.
Try this: To determine which fights are worth engaging in, ask yourself whether the conflict involves the identity and values of your team, organization, or group—or if it’s simply a matter of personal preference.
4. Get curious about what’s underneath the conflict
Quite often, the stated disagreement isn’t the real one. Here are some examples.
Surface conflict: “Why didn’t you include me in this decision?”
Translation: “I don’t feel that my expertise is valued.”
Surface conflict: “We shouldn’t launch this yet.”
Translation: “We have different definitions of what ‘good enough’ means.”
Conflict can reveal unmet needs around recognition, belonging, values, and impact.
Try this: Instead of wondering, “How do we make this conflict go away?” try asking, “Why is this happening?”
5. How you move forward after a fight matters, too
One of Parker’s practical points is that conflict shouldn’t be treated as an isolated confrontation. It should inform what happens going forward. This means asking some version of, “What do we do differently now?” Otherwise, people can have a very satisfying conversation about the problem…and then go right back to the same behaviors.
Try this: After a difficult conversation, you might clarify:
- What we decided
- What remains unresolved
- Who owns what
- What behavior needs to change
- When we’ll revisit the issue
This kind of positive resolution may be the most important outcome of any disagreement.
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Look, most of us don’t choose our coworkers. At work, we are placed in close, sustained proximity with people we may have little in common with. But this brings a unique opportunity: the chance to navigate differences with curiosity, empathy, and grace—and through it all, to end up at a common goal. And somewhere in that process, you may even become better at your work and feel more like yourself within it.
No one will say you never fought. But that’s precisely the point.
